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Francesca Baird: blogging about autism and loss of identity

Label Me. Chapter 7: University Challenge – Autism and Loss of Identity

I continued to be obsessed by Steve and it became increasingly difficult for me to regulate my emotions.  Alcohol and lack of sleep exacerbated the problem and I began to feel stuck in a vicious cycle, drinking at night and obsessing over Steve during the day. Everything in my life centred around Steve and nothing else held any significance. Frighteningly, it felt like my sense of identity was being threatened by a darker, self-centred, and angrier version of me. As a child, I was a sensitive, sensible girl who cared deeply for others and did not get caught up in situations that were not good for me (apart from the time I smoked paper and almost set my house on fire but that was a one off). Somewhere along the line, I had lost myself; my true being replaced by a superficial person, who I was ashamed of. I wanted, oh so much, to revert to the kinder, softer, less self-obsessed version of me but like any addiction, a part of me craved an emotional reaction, induced by Steve and the circumstances in which my dependency unfolded.

Exhausted from being me, I wanted to escape, just for a while, to give me that much needed time to recuperate. I had an increasing desire to isolate myself and escape human contact. Alongside this, I developed a pattern of waking up feeling overwhelmed with negative emotions and, without the mental strength to retaliate, I surrendered by running away from everything and everyone.

25 April, 2021

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