Home » Label Me: Francesca Baird blogging about autism » Francesca Baird: Autism and relationships. Chapter 5: A Fantasy World

Francesca Baird: Autism and relationships. Chapter 5: A Fantasy World

My time working at The Natural World signified a new stage in my life. Not only had I established a sense of self, but I also developed an intense attraction to a security guard who worked in the same shopping centre as me. I had only ever seen him walking around the centre but there was something that drew me to him, that elusive thing that attracts you to someone, but you do not know, consciously, what that thing is. I could feel his eyes burning right through me as I walked past him on my way to and from work and I was certain this meant he had a crush on me, which in turn made me feel great about myself. His good-looking brother worked in the centre too, but I had no interest in him. He was far too attractive and had a string of girls after him. Steve, my chosen brother, appeared to be significantly older than me and without the good looks, perhaps I saw him as an attainable goal. 

I was becoming increasingly aware of my sexuality and the power of the feminine form. At sixteen years old, I was tiny and petite. A late developer, I had only just started my periods and my boobs were still growing. I would describe myself, at that time in my life, as incredibly young looking with an air of joyful innocence exuberating from me. My fantasy about this older man was fresh and exciting. Still a virgin, it was the first time I had thought about someone sexually, or at least the first time the notion of sex had generated feelings of pure elation. I frequently conjured up an image of what sex with Steve would be like, and this kept the fantasy alive. I was continually thinking about his perception of me and became much more interested in my physical appearance. Since my fantasy was built on imagination only, fuelled by visual stimulation, it was important for me to nail my dress code so that he could perceive me in a specific way…

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