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samscafeamericain

New Joke Thread 2013

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I couldn't find the old joke thread.

SIR SEAN CONNERY RUSHED TO HOSPITAL

A pile of books fell on his head

SIR SEAN WAS QUOTED AS SAYING,"I ONLY HAVE MY SHELF TO BLAME!"

:lol:

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:lol:

Don't tell me the old ones are the best. (They've gone with all the decluttering. We're getting a bigger database).

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Again not a joke. I don't think I know any jokes. However, I laughed out loud when readingThe Metro on the bus today. Apparently, Sharon Osbourne has branded Lady Gaga an attention seeker. :lol:

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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Did you hear about the scarecrow who just won an award for being outstanding in his field? ...boom boom!

Ok, I am done for the year...

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The scarecrow one reminded me of my favourite ever joke:

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.

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Horse meat in Tesco Burgers? What's next, My Lidl Pony?

Women in tesco offered me some cheese to hide the horse taste. Mask-a-pony I think.

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Tesco have removed veggie burgers from their shelves as well.

Apparently the veggie burgers have been found to contain traces of uniquorn.

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Haven't had any jokes on here for a while but I saw this on Facebook and thought I'd share.

TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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Cannibal and son walking along the beach. They find a beautiful naked girl washed up by the tide.

Son: Look dad, she's still alive. Can we eat her?

Dad: (thinks for a moment) No son. We'll take her home. And we'll eat your mum.

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he did....then he complained he was being miss-quoted and issued a statement saying what he claimed he actually did say.

they where exactly the same

Fri, 14th Mar '08 @ 12:19pm Deliberately Misleading
“Lies are half way round the world before the truth has got its boots on.”
This applies to Alex Salmond’s selective misquotations from an Interview I did on the BBC’s Scotland at Ten programme with Colin Mackay. I pointed out that
services were better in Scotland but were not all done since May, many of them even pre-dated devolution.
But now the Nats are deliberately hyping them up and pushing them in the faces of the English to stir up discontent so they can ferment growing resentment between England & Scotland.
Now SNP propagandists are touting around the misquotation. First it has been picked up by bloggers, but now it is being represented by gullible fools like the appropriately named diarist Alba in the Scotsman and Joan Burnie in the Record.
It is sad that mainstream professional journalists like these no longer check with the original source – in this case the full transcript – before reporting SNP propaganda.
ROUGH TRANSCRIPT…
LORD GEORGE FOULKES : “The SNP are on a very dangerous tack at the moment. What they are doing is trying to build up a situation in Scotland where the services are manifestly better than south of the Border in a number of areas.”
COLIN MACKAY : “Is that a bad thing?”
LORD GEORGE FOULKES : “No. But they are doing it deliberately......

you gotta larf

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He'll be right at home with the rest of the jokers in Westminster then.

A few jokers in the library as well. I'm bringing some Silence signs with me next time I come. A long discussion about why a two week loan book can't be kept out for longer? Meanwhile twenty folk in the queue. Another debate between two lassies on the Internet. Nothing to do with the ASOS sight they're looking at. I know because they're right beside me. It's painful.

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Don't be scared to write a few down, tig. I'm demented following all these links then coming back to reply.

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haha

The top 10 were:

  1. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
  2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."
  3. Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."
  4. Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
  5. Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."
  6. Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."
  7. Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."
  8. Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."
  9. Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."
  10. Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

(right click, open link in new tab does the trick) ;)

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