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Pat's Guide to Glasgow West End
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Old Timer Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them," Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

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I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:

* The Death Slide

* The Wall of Fear

* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing tw@t !!!'

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.....

;)B)

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Confessional

A man enters the confessional and says

"Bless me father for I have sinned; it has been one month since my last

confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail

Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months

since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for

the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon

when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits

down in front of the altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly

spread apart, Basic Instinct style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, "Is that Fannie

Green?"

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her

shoes".

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Confessional

A man enters the confessional and says

"Forgive me father for I have sinned; I am 85 . I've had adulterous sex with 6 times this week with 3 different ladies

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail

Mary's."

Man: "Whats a Hail Mary?"

Priest: "Arent you a catholic my son?"

Man : "No I'm a athiest"

Priest" " Then why are you telling me of your adultary?"

Man: "I'm telling everyone who will listen!!!"

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I don't have a joke for you but this wedding cake made me laugh. wedding_cake-2880.jpg

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Lady complains to her landlord that passing railway trains rock her bed & she cant sleep because of it.

Land lord doesnt believe the trains can rock her bed so lady suggests he lies on bed to check as the 5:25pm train will pass in a minute or two.

Landlord lies on bed... Enter husband

Husband to landlord .... "What the hell do you think you are doing?????????"

Landlord "would you believe... waiting for a train"

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Men Are

1. Men are like Laxatives . They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like . Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .. Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.

72.jpg

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and

He shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. .

Wait for it. .

It's coming. .

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

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Tell us the "wooden eye" joke sumtime.

Wish you hadn't said that :blink:

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An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand , walks into a small

village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

"G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at

the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes

me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool Man!!"

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes

me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar."

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CAKE OR BED

>

> A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A

> FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

>

> "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?

> IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."

>

> HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,

> "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE "POWERGEN" WRITTEN ON MY

> FOREHEAD?

> I DON'T THINK SO!"

>

> "FINE!"

>

> THEN THE WIFE ASKS,

> "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?

> IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT"

>

> TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

> "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?

> DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE "FRIDGIDAIRE"

> WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

> I DON'T THINK SO!"

>

> "FINE!" SHE SAYS

> "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS

> TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK"

>

> "I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T

> WANT TO FIX STEPS", HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE "TAYLOR WOODROW"

> WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

> I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!"

>

> SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A

> COUPLE OF HOURS................

>

> HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW

> HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES

> TO GO HOME

>

> AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES

> THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

>

> AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE

> HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

>

> AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES

> THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

>

> HONEY, HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

> SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT

> OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG,

> AND I TOLD HIM.

> HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO

> BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

>

> HE SAID,

> "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"

>

> SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE "MR KIPLING" WRITTEN ON MY

> FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

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I was going to put in a joke about half an acre but its two rood!

ok ill get coat

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From todays SMH (yes it is a serious paper but,.......)

.......All of which gives an excuse to run this appalling Scottish joke, sent apropos of nothing at all by David Harris, of Glasgow. "Did you hear about the guy, not the brightest, having a night out with his mates in a nightclub? He went off to the loo, where he spotted his best mate snogging the face off his (the dim chap's) girlfriend. The bloke went back to the rest of his mates, chuckling, and told them: 'Davey's so blootered, he thinks he's me."'

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Guest rearender

From todays SMH (yes it is a serious paper but,.......)

.......All of which gives an excuse to run this appalling Scottish joke, sent apropos of nothing at all by David Harris, of Glasgow. "Did you hear about the guy, not the brightest, having a night out with his mates in a nightclub? He went off to the loo, where he spotted his best mate snogging the face off his (the dim chap's) girlfriend. The bloke went back to the rest of his mates, chuckling, and told them: 'Davey's so blootered, he thinks he's me."'

Wasn't that in The Diary last week?

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Wasn't that in The Diary last week?

Could well have been. It came from Glasgow

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A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos.

He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.

The children began to say:

'Red............cherry,'

'Yellow.........lemon,'

'Green..........lime,'

'Orange.......orange.'

Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could

identify the taste.

'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

'Oh My Gosh!!!! They're arse-holes!!'

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Iss wan wis oan ra radio the day.....ye hear aboot ra boay that drank 8 bottles o cola in a wanny.....he burped 7 up!

;) I like that, heidie. What's better is that I might actually remember it.

The kids will enjoy it.

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