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Pat's Guide to Glasgow West End
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Ah wiz et the doaktur last week an' he tells me ah've goat Hypokondria. Ah says, "Aw naw, no that as well".

Ah left the doaktur's an' went doon tae wanny them gymnaizyums. Ah asked the boay if he cood teach me tae dae the splits. He says, "How flexible ur ye?" ah says, "Ah kin make ony day eksept Thursdays".

When ah came oot, ah bumped intae thon gangster whit yanks peepul's pants up et the back. It wiz Wedgie Kray.

Ah telt um mah frunt door wiz made o' spunge an' he stertit laffin. Ah said, "Don't knock it".

It wiz the wife's burthday yisturday, an' bein stuck oot here, ah coodnae think whit tae send hur. Evenchully ah came up wi' the novel idea o' huvvin a lorry load o' snow delivered tae the hoose. Ah phoned hur up last night an' says, "D'ye get mah drift?"

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Chic Murray lives!!!!!!

Real Chic Murray joke.

A bloke goes up tae Chic in Lundin an' asks, "Do you know the Battersea Dog's Home?"

Chic replies, "Ah didnae know it hud been away!"

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heather the weather goes intae a chemists and asks furr a packet of tampax and a perra sunglasses

the pharmicists asks her if she's expectin sunny periods.

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A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a

particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon

20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their

travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his

wife was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a

computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and

without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile ....somewhere in Houston ....a widow had just returned home

from her husband's funeral.

He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart

attack.

The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives

and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted! The

widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and

then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Date: Friday, October 13, 2004

Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,

and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have just

arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been

prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS ....... Sure is hot down here!!

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Blonde Cookbook/diary

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel

food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.

The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra

bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe

said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress.

What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for

supper

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash

thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind

of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it

improved the rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new

recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of

lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I

was rolling around in the garden..

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said

put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There

must have been something wrong with this recipe.

When I got back, everything was the same as when I

left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a

chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I

don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some

reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve

roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a

flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven

and set the controls for roast. It still came out

hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very

exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I

can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom

into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise

him with a chocolate moose.

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The Patient

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A very young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

The young nurse hears him mumble, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

The man struggles from behind the oxygen mask and asks again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and moves it around; with the other hand she gently lifts his testicles and moves them around checking their colour. After she has taken a very close look and she says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir.'

The man eventually pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much for that, it was truly wonderful, now listen very closely......

'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'

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Paddy Irishman (or Scots, English or Welsh) Jus tgot his second question right on who wants to be a millionaire, and is now on £200.

Here is the third question 'Who was the great train robber

RONNIE BIGGS

RONNIE PARKER

or

RONNIE BARKER

Paddy says " well Chris I've had a lovely time but I'm going to take my £200 pound. Chris says "are you ###### stupid, you have all lines your life lines left.

Paddy says " I might be stupid, but I'm not a fukin Grass"

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I'm starting to feel sorry for Reary

Imagine how he must feel, and unlike the one trick pony, we at least can always skip on by.

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Guest rearender

Imagine how he must feel, and unlike the one trick pony, we at least can always skip on by.

offensive deleted by Pat. You're keeping us busy today, Rears.

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Is that the age group you prefer? Ever considered the priesthood?

If it was anyone else but you, I'd turn the other cheek :rolleyes:

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An tae think that in anuur place he accuses me o talkin shyte!

Haw haw haw haw!

He is near as funny as Nota boay!

But err agen Nota is radio rentil so he wins..... :rolleyes:

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An tae think that in anuur place he accuses me o talkin shyte!

Haw haw haw haw!

He is near as funny as Nota boay!

But err agen Nota is radio rentil so he wins..... :rolleyes:

Well thanks thur Heidi.......................ah dae try yoo know :P

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Well thanks thur Heidi.......................ah dae try yoo know :rolleyes:

Well, have you got any jokes, Notta?

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Twa Aiberdeen Fairmers, Tam & Shuie, were sittin in `The Fairmer's Bar`.

Tam turns to Shuie and says "Ye ken fit? I'm tired o`gan through life wi`oot an educashin. Th`morn am gan awa doon tae th' communtee collidge te sign up fer some classes".

Shuie thinks it's a good idea and the twa leave.

The next day Tam gings awa doon te the college an meets the lect'rer, fa signs him up fer four basic courses - Maths, English, History and Logic.

"Logic" Tam says "Fit`s 'at"?

The lecturer says "I'll show you. Do you own a strimmer?"

"Aye" says Tam

"Then logically because you own a strimmer I think you have a garden".

"Weel aye, that's true. I dae ha` a garden".

"I'm not done," the lecturer says. "Because you have a garden I think logically that you have a house."

"Aye, I've a hoose."

"And because you have a house, I logically think that you have a family".

"I div"

"And because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife".

"Yer nae wrang ,I dae hae a wife"

"And because you have a wife then logically you must be heterosexual".

"I am ana" says Tam "at's amazin!! you were able te find a` that oot jist because I hae a strimmer".

Fair excited aboot the classes, Tam shakes the lect'rer's hand an gings awa te meet Shuie doon th' toon. He tells Shuie aboot his classes an hoo he was dein Maths, English, History and Logic.

"Logic?" says Shuie "Fit`s at?".

"Weel," Tam says "Dae ye hae a strimmer?"

"No"

"Then yer a homosexual"

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Old man back from Thailand with his new Thai bride.

Lying in bed, the Thai bride is playing with his manhood, slowly up and down,

and the old boy says "You must love that, you haven't left it alone since we got back."

The bride replied, "Not really, I just miss mine.

:lol:

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Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'

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A true story:

Years ago I went with my wife to see a clairvoyant who read the tea leaves.

We arrived at her house, were invited in and she said, " I'll go and make your drinks."

And my wife said, "can I have a coffee please?"

It was so embarrassing!! ;)

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