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Pat's Guide to Glasgow West End
maggs

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6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.

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5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'

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4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'

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3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

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2nd Place

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'

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SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

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A blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and

> she's in serious financial straits.

>

> She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to

> pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some

> money, I'm going to lose my house as well.

>

> Please let me win the lotto." That night the blonde dreams she wins the

> lotto. Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. The next day she

> prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business my house

> and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and she still has

> no luck.

>

> Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my

> business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask

> you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let

> me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

>

> Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and the

> blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself.

>

> "Sweetheart, work with me on this........... Buy a ticket."

tam

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WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who wants to listen all day long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs for more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

and always be my very best friend.

_______________________________________________

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar

on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and hunting.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

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For Gayle

Can you explain to all why in Strine

"'Scuse" is polite

&

"Excuse me" is rude"

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New Sex Study...

C200711010253966061_LOVELY_CARTOON_.jpg

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.The wife rolls over and plays dead .

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A CLASSIC CASE OF PMS....!!!

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put

everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants.

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes,gave the cats their food, and refilled their water.

And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once...

I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!

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Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals

throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of

normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,

this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately

express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been

provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in

an effective manner.

I can't stop laughing at No 12.

Number 12

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

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WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who wants to listen all day long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs for more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

and always be my very best friend.

Sumbuddy lookin fur me? :huh:

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A lesson in Posting

How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

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:huh:

"33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too""

This will be HH's favorite.

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Guest rearender

Lightbulb is fine. Lamp is fine.

A bulb is something you put in the ground (or a windowbox etc). A light bulb is a bulb which doesn't weight much.

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Guest westtender

Lightbulb is fine. Lamp is fine.

A bulb is something you put in the ground (or a windowbox etc). A light bulb is a bulb which doesn't weight much.

Not necessarily. How do you think that particular sort of lamp came to be called bulb?

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Guest rearender

Not necessarily. How do you think that particular sort of lamp came to be called bulb?

Irrelevant. All four statements are true.

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Guest westtender

Irrelevant. All four statements are true.

As is the fact that 'bulb' is a perfectly cromulent application of the word to the lamps of which you speak.

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Guest rearender

As is the fact that 'bulb' is a perfectly cromulent application of the word to the lamps of which you speak.

Don't tell me. Tell the "2 industry professionals"

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A lesson in Posting

How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

Why is this in the joke sekshun, when its just a statement of fact :huh:

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Guest rearender

Why is this in the joke sekshun, when its just a statement of fact :huh:

It's from maggs. Statements of fact. Grandchild's name. All in the 'Jokes' thread.

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