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Pat's Guide to Glasgow West End

Old catch phrases.

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A footballing one when shouting at a rather inept striker

'Ye couldnae hit a coos @rse with a banjo'

Not sure how popular coos @rse hitting is

Not too popular I hope, Sam. <_<

I have a very soft spot for coos. Maybe because I milked 'Daisy' and 'Turtledove' every morning when I stayed at my cousin's farm during my school holidays.

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<_< Did naebuddy tell ye Turtledove wiz a bull Pat? :lol:

No this Turtledove, JJ. Did you know a coo cawd Mr Turtledove?

Quite an experience milking in the byre. Very smelly and tricky as you had to dodge the coo's tail as it could easily whack you across the face. Then the cats would come in and line up for their meal so instead of squirting the milk into the pail you aimed at one of them and it opened it's wee mouth.

No such thing as pasteurised. :lol:

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I'll need tae see the piktur, JJ. What does a bothy cat look like?

Ah'm no too shoor Pat, nivvur huvvin been in a bothy, but ah've aye took it tae mean a huge heid.

Tha's mah take oan it, but ah'm no eggzackly shoor. It's wan ah dragged up fae mah childhood, wherr hoalidays wur spent in Arbroath an' ah nivver wantit thum tae end. Fowk up therr yazed that fraze a lot.

Mibbes Tam wid be able tae shine a light oan it.

In the meantime, tae prove ah didnae make it up, here's a wee poem aboot the Gallant Forty Twa, in which it gets yazed. Ah've highlighted it fur the purposes o' clarity.


by Dan Dewar

Twelfth Febr'y nineteen forty twa,

the day I had tae leave my ma;

my papers landed on the flair

invitin me tae the Watch's Lair?

Tae Queen's Barracks then, I swiftly flew

Come in! yer in the army noo!

Then stracht tae the barber, like innocent sheep,

an' oor curly locks a' lay in a heap.

Good byes! were said tae oor civvy suits,

an' then, the pantomime, - kittin' us oot;

wee innocent boys tae the stores were ta'en

expectin' tae look like Big John Wayne.

First cam itchy vests, an' the Lang John L's

Thank God, we couldna see oorsels!

Yae coof gaed dancin' on the square

A squad o' ATS wir there!

A bit o' this, a bit o' that,

a pirouette, the splits, a squat

The oos! An' ahs! The screichs! An' squeals!

let's ken 'is Ballet huid appeal

The Provo Sarge an RSM

roared: sodger! whit's yer ruddy gemme?

Then grabbed 'im be the seat o' 'is dra'rs

an' clapped 'im stracht ahent the bars.

They next flung me a pair o' strides

sayin' Move yersel! An' get inside!

But, me bein' short, an' kinda wee,

the spaver dangled at ma knee;

an' whit wis doubled on the flair

wid easy've made anither pair

Wi' me inside they still looked toom,

but geid me scouth an' bags o' room.

The tunic tae, wis far ower wide -

Jane Russell could hae squeezed inside;

the wyst-band hung aroond ma dowp,

ah looked like somethin' frae the cowp!

Ah met the sairgent's glarin' e'e -

he puit the fear o' daith in me

Well! Whit's wrang noo? Ye look divine,

Ye'll be some chookie in the line!

There's nae mair cuddles frae yer ma

whin ye join the Gallant Forty Twa?

He next chucked me a khaki bonnet,

like a fleein-sasser wi' a toorie on it;

wi't on ma heid nowt could be seen,

it happit baith ma lugs an' een:

on the sairgent's napper it snugly sat,

but he had a heid like a bothy cat!

Next cam' the muckle tackety buits,

the kind the miners wear doon pits.

Ah'll see ma face in the taes. Says he,

afore ye're on parade wi' me!

Wi' gaiters buckled roond ma breeks,

an' a' the slack tucked in

sic a dauntin' sicht! The future wis bricht

Noo, we wir shair tae win!

I hogged the lookin'-gless on the wa'

wi' unbelievin een,

convinced that I wis lookin' at

the best sodger ever seen!

Ah felt sae prood in that rookie squad,

a' decked oot like a Heilan Lad;

but the sarge, I couldna understand

He wisnae lookin' ower grand

He roared: attention! an' ah strove tae please,

but ma battle dress still stood at ease

He only lestit a day or twa -

the loonie-van took him awa'.

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face like a busted arse

my nanna's fave - 'well, that's better than a slap in the face with a dead fish!'

don't get your knickers in a knot

mum's reply to what's for dinner? 'frog's legs and lizard's gizzards'

& for Oz - better mention the tennis next time, too.

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