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Sgriob

Burns Nicht Humo(u)r

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A guid New Year tae Yin and Aw.

Mrs. Sgriob read my greeting and asked if Yin and Aw are pandas. Nae culture, some folks.

I know I know I know, I only post here when I need help. Here's the issue: I'm doing three Burns Suppers this year and have run out of suitable jokes. Any ideas? Said joke can be only tangentially associated with Burns (i.e. Sex, drink, religion and politcs are fine) and if vulgar should be mild enough to provoke blush and titter, rather than outrage or accusations of racism or sexism.

Some killjoys aver that the Immortal Memory is no place for silly jokes. Not IMHO. Burns had a terrific, if bawdy, sense of humour. I always try to give a speech that would make the invisible Immortal guffaw.

Luvya all, Mean it. Bye.

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Good to hear from you, Sgriob. I'm not great for jokes. There just might be something you can resurrect on the jokes thread and if I spot any or hear any I will certainly post.

At the moment I am laughing my heid aff at the idea of the British comedian, Al Murray, standing against the racist, Nigel Farage, in the General Election. I only hope we get Kevin Bridges taking on Jim Murphy.

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I heard a joke about haggis neeps and champagne but I cannot remember how it goes so it could not have been very funny. If I remember how it went I will post. Maybe you could wear a Hey Jimmy Bunnet with the ginger hair.

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I remember how it went I will post. Maybe you could wear a Hey Jimmy Bunnet with the ginger hair.

Thanks Rory. Nowadays I can do the Jimmy bunnet thing without props.

My favorite joke is about the pet centipede. Not necessarily a Scottish joke, but the hermless lead character and his squalid environs reminds me a lot of certain byways of Dundee.

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I married Miss Right; how was I to know her first name was Always

A warning for the young men in the audience. See when you think you have met the woman of your dreams, you know you cannot sleep for thinking about her, you get butterflies in your stomach when you meet her, you hate it when you part .....well just remember..................that's how women think about shoes.

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Happy New Year, Squibs xxx

Sam, those are just wumin' jokes - nothing ataw to do with Burn's Night.... grrrrrr

A good rendition of Ode to the Haggis or Tam O'Shanter always goes down well, Squibs and woud give you lots of opportunity for swagger and swell ....

Feeble attempt at a joke ...

Boris Johnson is being shown around a London hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.

He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies: "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."

Boris, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him.

The patient replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"

Boris turns to the doctor and asks: "Is this psychiatric ward?"

"No" the doctor replies, "It's the Burns unit."

Boom tish!

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Thanks Rory. Nowadays I can do the Jimmy bunnet thing without props.

My favorite joke is about the pet centipede. Not necessarily a Scottish joke, but the hermless lead character and his squalid environs reminds me a lot of certain byways of Dundee.

How about:-

A crofter on Skye was digging peat when he saw a tourist in the distance drinking water from a small burn

'Don't drink that water there' shouted the crofter, 'my cows do the toilet in that burn'

'What' said the Tourist in a cockney accent, 'I can't hear you, shout up Jock'

'I said, ....use both hands, you be able to drink more' shouted the crofter

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How about:-

A crofter on Skye was digging peat when he saw a tourist in the distance drinking water from a small burn

'Don't drink that water there' shouted the crofter, 'my cows do the toilet in that burn'

'What' said the Tourist in a cockney accent, 'I can't hear you, shout up Jock'

'I said, ....use both hands, you be able to drink more' shouted the crofter

Naughty.

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Nutini is brilliant.

Had a great alternative Burns night in Clydebank with the Yes Alliance – what a fabulous atmosphere, such enthusiasm and tangible force for Scottish Independence – not at all diminished by the Referendum result. Met loads of great people for the first time and saw familiar faces – some interesting blasts from the past.

The line up of entertainment ranged from teenagers to pensioners – Burns songs, Protest songs, fabulous original poetry, a funny and ludicrous comedy sketch with the three amigos, Nicola Sturgeon, Jim Murphy, Joanne Lamont and Mr and Mrs Tam O'Shanter. Jim played some finger pickin' and americana and a blissful young duo brought the gig to a close. Original it certainly was:)

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