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Guest Bunny

Is this some hidden sick joke about the victims of the Nazis, how disgusting

Or is it some hidden sick joke about te victims of Churchill, lik ete cossacks turned over to Stalin after WW2

Weren't the Nazis in cahoots with the Roman Catholic church?

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Guest westtender

Weren't the Nazis in cahoots with the Roman Catholic church?

And weren't some zionists in cahoots with the nazis? - folk who were bigger more deluded zealots than Hitler could dream of being?

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Guest Bunny

And weren't some jews in cahoots with the nazis? - jews who were bigger more deluded zealots than Hitler could dream of being?

I don't doubt it. There's a Deutschmark or a Dollar to be made wherever there's a war.

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God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

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I'm sure it's a matter you're very familiar with; but isn't a colostomy bag for collecting s h i t?

one of its uses, it can also act as an ostomy bag for collecting pish

Now can we get back to insulting each other before we are told to keep on topic

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Weren't the Nazis in cahoots with the Roman Catholic church?

Yes they were, but also in cahoots with the established churches wherever they invaded

Religion and fascism go hand in hand, espshullae the higher up ye go.

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And weren't some zionists in cahoots with the nazis? - folk who were bigger more deluded zealots than Hitler could dream of being?

Ther are jewish fascist, nazi gangs in Israel today, complete with swastikas etc

Only this time the palestinians are the unmenshunables.

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Guest westtender

God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?"

St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year."

God shakes His head before saying, "No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back."

"Hmmm," St. Peter reflects. "Well, how about Mercury?"

"No way!" God mutters, "It's way too hot for me there!"

"I've got it," St. Peter says, his face lighting up. "How about going Down to Earth for your vacation?"

Chuckling, God remarks, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

:(:lol:

Well done maggs, 10 out of 10.

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An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo Wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;

YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,

BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

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MEMORANDUM

From: Cathy Jamieson, Minister for Education, Scotland

To: All Local Authority Education Departments

Date: January 2003

Subject: Higher Mathematics

After receiving criticism on the content of previous years’ Higher Mathematics papers I have had a sub-committee of the Education Department look at ways to redress the points made and to make the papers reflect more “real-life” situations.

With that in mind, here are some draft questions from the Higher Mathematics paper that have regional variations. Your comments and any suggestions for improvements would be appreciated, but should be in my hands no later than 1st April 2003.

DRAFT HIGHER GRADE MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2003

HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

GLASGOW REGION

Name...........................................

Nick name......................................

Gang name....................................

1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for large. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?

2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding will cost him £587. And he'll have to start buying two fish suppers every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he'd stayed single?

3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?

4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?

5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous convictions did Fingers have?

EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers' Brief?

EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION

Name..........................................

Rugby Club..................................

Daddy's Company.........................

1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe but Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before giving them the tickets?

2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?

3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle. His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?

4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it. Jasmine’s Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?

5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?

HIGHLANDS REGION

Name..................................

Clan………………………

Glen....................................

1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss?

2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Genealogy. How long does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10 kids?

3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised?

4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and pictures?

5. Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road re-opens!

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A Scotsman was heading out to the pub and turned to his wee wife before leaving...

'Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie.'

'Awe John that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?'

'Nah, just switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'

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A Scotsman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Scotsman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Scotsman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

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A Scotsman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Scotsman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Scotsman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

Brilliant! It's great laughing hard at that wan.

A man walked into his doctors with a carrot up his nose....celery in one ear, a sausage in the other and a pickle up his bum.......

"Doctor , doctor ahm naw feeling sah well"

Doctor took wan look at him and said...."....yer naw eatin' right"

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A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at identifying the airline she flies for.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f*ck do you want?'

'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'.

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A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door.

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with

huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,

and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh!t.

The End

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Probably heard em all before, but some of them are so good! :rolleyes:

What do you call a dwarf that falls into a cement mixer?

A wee hard man

Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow ?

They couldn't find a virgin or three wise men.

What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe ?

Wee Shooey.

What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe and can't find his dog ?

Wee Shooey Douglas.

A guy walks into a GP's surgery.

'Doctor , Doctor! He cries , 'you've got to help me, I feel like I'm turning into coconut'

Says the doctor, 'You're bountae '

What did Dracula get when he came to Glasgow ?

A bat in the mouth.

There were three coos in a field. Which wan wis oan its hoalidays ?

The wan wi a wee calf.

What do you call an illegitimate insect ?

A fly bastart.

Hear about the lonely prisoner ?

He was in his cell.

What famous costume drama TV series of the 1970's was named after a queue for the toilet ?

The Aw Needin Line.

The man in the clothes shop insisting on a maroon jacket.

'Fur ma roon shooders'

Hear about the stupit skindiver?

He didny have a scuba.

Did you hear about the London criminal who fell foul of the Glasgow Mafia?

Apparently they made him an offer he couldn't understand.

What do you call a Glasgow Sikh who enjoys karaoke ?

Gupty Singh

A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. 'Wonderful. Whit part is it?' she asks

The boy says, ' I play the part of the Scottish husband '.

The mother scowls and says, 'Go back an' tell that teacher you want a speaking part!

A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the

baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

'Breast fed,' she replied.

Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did.

He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed he said, 'No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk !'

I know,' she said, 'ah'm only his Granny, but noo I'm glad I came son!'

A wee woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper.

'Black pepper, or white pepper?' asked the concierge.

'Toilet pepper!' yelled the woman

This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

Whit wis that fur?' he cries

'That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name Mary-Rose written oan it,' said she.

Don't be daft,' he explains, 'two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on.' She seemed

satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails

him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around,he says, 'whit the hell wis that fur?'

'Your horse phoned!' she said

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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said, 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

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