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Pat's Guide to Glasgow West End

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An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas

> >>

> >> Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on

> >> sale, he bought them and wore them home.

> >>

> >> Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,

> >> 'Notice anything different about me?'

> >>

> >> Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

> >>

> >> Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked

> >> back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

> >>

> >> Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything

> >> different NOW?'

> >>

> >> Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging

> >> down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again

> >> tomorrow!'

> >>

> >> Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,

> >> MARGARET?'

> >>

> >> 'Nope', she replied.

> >>

> >> 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

> >>

> >> Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

> >>

> >> 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert… …..

> >> Shoulda bought a hat.'……….

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Kids are Quick .....

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten

years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, it's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

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Church Bulletins

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.

These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS ) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

--------------------------

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, th e sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours too.'

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By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I think that I may have finally found inner peace.

A doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box of Thronts chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who blidy gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece.

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A Kiwi emigrates to Oz and opens up a petrol station. To increase its sales, he put up a sign saying, "Free $ex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local, Bill, pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free $ex.

The Kiwi told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free $ex.

Bill then guessed 8, and the Kiwi said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no $ex this time."

A week later, Bill and his mate Bluey pulled in for a fill-up at the same station. Again Bill asked for his free $ex.

Again he got the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Bill guessed 2 this time.

Again the Kiwi said, "Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free $ex this time."

As they were driving away, Bill said to his mate Bluey, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free $ex."

Bluey replied, "No it ain't Bill. It ain't rigged -- my missus won twice last week."

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  • 3 weeks later...

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad . She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad , I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love,

your son, Joshua

P.S. Dad , none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than

the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home :lol:

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A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....' 'What?'

'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'

'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'

Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....' 'WHAT?'

'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'

' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'

Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....' 'WHAT!'

'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

* * * *

An exasperated mother,

Whose son was always getting into mischief,

Finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'

The boy thought it over and said,

'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out

And keep slamming the door until St Peter says,

'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'

* * * *

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm

A mother was tucking her son into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he

Asked with a tremor in his voice,

'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

'I can't dear,' she said.

'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice,

'The big sissy.'

* * * *

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service,

For the children's sermon.

All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress

And, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said,

'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'

The little girl replied,

Directly into the minister's clip-on microphone,

'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

* * * *

When I was six months pregnant with my third child,

My three year old came into the room

When I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'

I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember

Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'

'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

* * * *

A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself,

'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'

His mother heard what he was saying

And gasped, 'What are you doing?'

The little boy answered,

'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'

'And this is how your teacher

Taught you to do it?' the mother asked

'Yes,' he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,

'What are you teaching my son in math?'

The teacher replied,

'Right now, we are learning addition.'

The mother asked,

'And are you teaching them to say

Two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,

'What I taught them was,

Two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

* * * *

One day the first grade teacher was reading

The story of Chicken Little to her class.

She came to the part of the story

Where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.

She read, '....

And so Chicken Little went up to the farmer

And said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'

The teacher paused then asked the class,

'And what do you think that farmer said?'

One little girl raised her hand and said,

'I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

* * * *

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,

I'm Mr Sugarbrown's daughter.'

Her mother told her this was wrong,

She must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,

'Aren't you Mr Sugarbrown's daughter?'

She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

* * * *

A little girl asked her mother,

'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'

Her mother replied,

'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

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'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs

and make love,' and you answer,

'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your friends compliment you

on your new alligator shoes

and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

A sexy babe catches your fancy

and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You don't care where your spouse goes,

just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting a little action'

means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting lucky' means you find your car

in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

An 'all nighter' means not getting up

to use the bathroom.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Two little kids are in the hospital laying on beds next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a bit nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid says, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says,

"Whooooooaaaaaa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"

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A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum.

Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to his absolute surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The student is amazed, and pops the cork back into the anus. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.

"Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. They hear: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."

"So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.

"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.

"Are you kidding?" replied the examiner, "Any @sshole can sing country music."

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Why the Nazis were defeated in WW2

2j4prp4.gif

Is this some hidden sick joke about the victims of the Nazis, how disgusting

Or is it some hidden sick joke about te victims of Churchill, lik ete cossacks turned over to Stalin after WW2

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