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Pat's Guide to Glasgow West End
maggs

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And the very last one before bed...................

If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, "Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.

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I used to be a big fan of Dusty Springfield and I had all her albums, CDs and books lined up on a big piece of wood on my bedroom wall.

Now that I've sold them all, I just don't know what to do with my shelf.

B)

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A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.

A spokesman for the channel said:

"A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour... but we have heard that people in Abu Dhabi Do" B)

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Guy complains to his psychiatrist. "I've got these tunes running in my head 24/7. If it's not "Green Green Grass of Home" it's "Delilah." What's wrong with me?"

"You've got Tom Jones syndrome," says the shrink.

Patient recoils in revulsion: "My God. I never heard of that. Is it rare?"

"Well, it's not unusual."

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Paddys walkin dwn the street strugglin wiv a wardrobe a pal says "Paddy why dont you get murphy to help you?" paddy replies,"Oh hes inside carrying the clothes

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This is one of JJ's:

A man is stopped by the Police at midnight, and asked where he's going.

"I'm on my way to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body".

The Policeman asks "Really? and who's going to give a lecture at this time of night?"

The driver replies, "My wife"

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My job is so unbelievable.

I'll try to sum it up by telling about the people I work with first. There is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah ok, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make up/ She is extremely self centred and has never once considered the needs of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities must be endless yet she is here with us. . She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I;m not sure she even showers much less shave her womanly parts. . I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel in the crown has got to be this stoner guy. He's more than just your average pothead in fact he is baked before he comes to work. He probably hasn't been sober any time in the ten years I have known him and he's only 22. He dresses like a 60s throwback and to make things worse he brings this ###### great big dog with him to work. Every day I have to put up with this huge daft dog stagger round from the effects of the second hand smoke. Hell, I get affected to ‘cos I swear that dog can almost talk ! Also both of them have the permanent munchies which is a real giveaway.

Anyway. I drive these retards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

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My job is so unbelievable.

I'll try to sum it up by telling about the people I work with first. There is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah ok, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make up/ She is extremely self centred and has never once considered the needs of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities must be endless yet she is here with us. . She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I;m not sure she even showers much less shave her womanly parts. . I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel in the crown has got to be this stoner guy. He's more than just your average pothead in fact he is baked before he comes to work. He probably hasn't been sober any time in the ten years I have known him and he's only 22. He dresses like a 60s throwback and to make things worse he brings this ###### great big dog with him to work. Every day I have to put up with this huge daft dog stagger round from the effects of the second hand smoke. Hell, I get affected to ‘cos I swear that dog can almost talk ! Also both of them have the permanent munchies which is a real giveaway.

Anyway. I drive these retards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

No Get ?

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No Get ?

I don't get it either, Maggs. Also I see a glitch in the swerry bot where we've not caught the plural r - word. Need to sort that.

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They didnae know each other.

Otherwise they would have been sharing thoughts, dreams and decent jokes.B)

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Okay, this will never pass for a decent joke but seein' it's snowing ... tongue.gif

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?

She gave him the cold shoulder!

Boom! boom!

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Okay, this will never pass for a decent joke but seein' it's snowing ... tongue.gif

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy?

She gave him the cold shoulder!

Boom! boom!

Two snowmen are standing in the garden. One turns to the other and says 'can you smell carrots?'

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What's the snowman's favourite meal?

Icebergers with chilli sauce.

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An Arabic family wis considerin pittin thur grandfaither, Abdullah, intae a nursin hame. A' the Arabic facilities wur cumpletely full, so they hud tae pit him intae an Italyin hame.

Efter a fyoo weeks in the Italyin facility, they came tae visit Grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful", says grandpa.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no!" says the auld yin, "Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents", Abdullah says wi' a big smile.

"There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still say, "here comes the 'Maestro'". There is also a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'. Then there's a dentist, - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still says, "here comes 'The Doctor'".

"And me - I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still say, "here comes that F*kk*n Arab".

Byrawiy, ah liked Sams "Joke of the Year"

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From The Centre of Education.

Dear Colleague,

Your interest in self improvement and development has prompted us to send you this years alternative education programme. May we take this opportunity of wishing you a successful years study.

SELF IMPROVEMENT:

SI.100 Creative suffering.

SI 101 Overcoming peace of mind.

SI 102 You & Your birthmarks.

SI 103 Guilt without sex.

SI 104 The Primal shrug.

SI 105 Ego gratification through extreme violence

SI 106 Moulding your child’s behaviour through guilt and fear.

SI 107 Dealing with post constipation depression.

SI 108 Whine you way to alienation.

SI 109 How to overcome self doubt through pretence and ostentation.

BUSINESS AND CAREER.

BC 200 “How I made £12.00 through investment”

BC 201 Money can make you rich.

BC 202 Packaging and selling you child.

BC203 Career opportunities in El Salvador.

BC 204 The underachievers guide to very small businesses.

BC 205 How to profit from your own body.

BC 206 Tax shelters for the indignant.

BC 207 Looters guide to Manchester.

BC 208 Mortgage reduction through arson.

CRAFTS.

C 300 Self actualisation through macrame.

C 301 Needlecraft for junkies.

C 302 Cuticle cookery.

C 303 Gifts for the senile.

C 304 Bonsai you wife.

C 305 How to draw genitals to scale.

HOME ECONOMICS.

HE 400 How to convert your vacuum cleaner into an automatic rifle.

HE 401 How to convert your family room into a garage.

HE 402 Burglarproof your house with cement.

HE 403 Basic kitchen taxidermy.

HE 404 Sinus drainage at home.

HE 405 Repair & maintenance of your virginity.

HE 406 How to convert a wheelchair into a dune buggy.

HEALTH.

H 500 Creative tooth decay.

H 501 Exorcism & acne.

H 502 The joys of hypochondria.

H 503 Sex on a trampoline.

H 504 Suicide & your health.

H 505 Skate yourself to regularity.

H 506 Understanding navel deposits.

H 507 Tap dancing your way to social ridicule.

H 508 Optional body functions.

H 509 Achieving mutual headaches.

H 510 Dressing left / right: how it can change your life.

H 511 The braille guide to anatomy & physiology.

H 512 Self embalming made easy.

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