699 replies to this topic

[notanimby]

There wis this wee boy and his Mummy named him Kristofer.

Eh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????

[maggs]

Definately of the planet Notta, I'm starting to feel sorry for Reary the wee soul

[HollowHorn]

I'm starting to feel sorry for Reary

Imagine how he must feel, and unlike the one trick pony, we at least can always skip on by.

[HollowHorn]

offensive deleted by Pat

[HollowHorn]

Is that the age group you prefer? Ever considered the priesthood?

If it was anyone else but you, I'd turn the other cheek

[heidcase]

An tae think that in anuur place he accuses me o talkin shyte!
Haw haw haw haw!
He is near as funny as Nota boay!
But err agen Nota is radio rentil so he wins.....

[notanimby]

An tae think that in anuur place he accuses me o talkin shyte!
Haw haw haw haw!
He is near as funny as Nota boay!
But err agen Nota is radio rentil so he wins.....

Well thanks thur Heidi.......................ah dae try yoo know

[Pat]

Well thanks thur Heidi.......................ah dae try yoo know

Well, have you got any jokes, Notta?

[lynnski]

Twa Aiberdeen Fairmers, Tam & Shuie, were sittin in `The Fairmer's Bar`.

Tam turns to Shuie and says "Ye ken fit? I'm tired o`gan through life wi`oot an educashin. Th`morn am gan awa doon tae th' communtee collidge te sign up fer some classes".

Shuie thinks it's a good idea and the twa leave.

The next day Tam gings awa doon te the college an meets the lect'rer, fa signs him up fer four basic courses - Maths, English, History and Logic.
"Logic" Tam says "Fit`s 'at"?

The lecturer says "I'll show you. Do you own a strimmer?"

"Aye" says Tam

"Then logically because you own a strimmer I think you have a garden".

"Weel aye, that's true. I dae ha` a garden".

"I'm not done," the lecturer says. "Because you have a garden I think logically that you have a house."

"Aye, I've a hoose."

"And because you have a house, I logically think that you have a family".

"I div"

"And because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife".

"Yer nae wrang ,I dae hae a wife"

"And because you have a wife then logically you must be heterosexual".

"I am ana" says Tam "at's amazin!! you were able te find a` that oot jist because I hae a strimmer".

Fair excited aboot the classes, Tam shakes the lect'rer's hand an gings awa te meet Shuie doon th' toon. He tells Shuie aboot his classes an hoo he was dein Maths, English, History and Logic.


"Logic?" says Shuie "Fit`s at?".

"Weel," Tam says "Dae ye hae a strimmer?"

"No"

"Then yer a homosexual"

[lynnski]

Old man back from Thailand with his new Thai bride.

Lying in bed, the Thai bride is playing with his manhood, slowly up and down,
and the old boy says "You must love that, you haven't left it alone since we got back."

The bride replied, "Not really, I just miss mine.

[maggs]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'

[gladtobeglas]

A true story:

Years ago I went with my wife to see a clairvoyant who read the tea leaves.

We arrived at her house, were invited in and she said, " I'll go and make your drinks."
And my wife said, "can I have a coffee please?"

It was so embarrassing!!

[maggs]

Old Timer Sex
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them," Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[HollowHorn]

[lynnski]

I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
'I'd love to be eight again' she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!

He took her to Alton Towers and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms!



What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation...'I meant my dress size, you f***ing tw@t !!!'

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.....

[lynnski]

Confessional



A man enters the confessional and says
"Bless me father for I have sinned; it has been one month since my last
confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail
Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months
since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for
the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon
when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits
down in front of the altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly
spread apart, Basic Instinct style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, "Is that Fannie
Green?"



The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her
shoes".