699 replies to this topic

[The Jolly Jumjoogler]

Ah didnae realize Tam wiz deef, is he no a canadian

Eh??? Speak up man.

[maggs]

BATHROOM PAINTED FLOOR

*IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY on the tenth floor....*

*YOU'VE BEEN ! DRINKING ......* *(not that you would...)

*AND THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM.... *

*You open the door.... **

NOW, REMEMBER,* *THE FLOOR IS JUST* *! A PAINTED FLOOR!**

KINDA TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY.....* *DOESN'T IT?*

SCROLL SLOooooooowly.....






This would mess your mind up!

[ozneil]

BATHROOM PAINTED FLOOR

*IMAGINE YOU ARE AT A PARTY on the tenth floor....*

*YOU'VE BEEN ! DRINKING ......* *(not that you would...)

*AND THEN YOU HAVE TO VISIT THE BATHROOM.... *

*You open the door.... **

NOW, REMEMBER,* *THE FLOOR IS JUST* *! A PAINTED FLOOR!**

KINDA TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY.....* *DOESN'T IT?*


This would mess your mind up!

& the floor!

[notanimby]

Eh??? Speak up man.

Pardon, whits 'at yer sayin son

[maggs]

The Dangers of Masturbation

[The Jolly Jumjoogler]

Mah faither's sistur came intae mah hoose the ither day, complainin aboot feelin awfy dizzy.

Ah thot, "Oh my giddy aunt".

[Pat]

Mah faither's sistur came intae mah hoose the ither day, complainin aboot feelin awfy dizzy.

Ah thot, "Oh my giddy aunt".

-
Just the kind of silliness I appreciate.

[Pat]

-
Just the kind of silliness I appreciate.

No news there then, huh.

No and none here either.
Still, at least I'm happy some of the time Mr Smile-a-while.

[notanimby]

Curtesy of Tam Cowan:

A see ra mining industry in Wales hus received a boost

They've found some copper in snowdonia

[Hamsterbert]

Hahaha! Sick, but funny!

[The Jolly Jumjoogler]

Ah wiz et the doaktur last week an' he tells me ah've goat Hypokondria. Ah says, "Aw naw, no that as well".

Ah left the doaktur's an' went doon tae wanny them gymnaizyums. Ah asked the boay if he cood teach me tae dae the splits. He says, "How flexible ur ye?" ah says, "Ah kin make ony day eksept Thursdays".

When ah came oot, ah bumped intae thon gangster whit yanks peepul's pants up et the back. It wiz Wedgie Kray.

Ah telt um mah frunt door wiz made o' spunge an' he stertit laffin. Ah said, "Don't knock it".

It wiz the wife's burthday yisturday, an' bein stuck oot here, ah coodnae think whit tae send hur. Evenchully ah came up wi' the novel idea o' huvvin a lorry load o' snow delivered tae the hoose. Ah phoned hur up last night an' says, "D'ye get mah drift?"

[ozneil]

Chic Murray lives!!!!!!

[The Jolly Jumjoogler]

Chic Murray lives!!!!!!

Real Chic Murray joke.

A bloke goes up tae Chic in Lundin an' asks, "Do you know the Battersea Dog's Home?"

Chic replies, "Ah didnae know it hud been away!"

[notanimby]

heather the weather goes intae a chemists and asks furr a packet of tampax and a perra sunglasses
the pharmicists asks her if she's expectin sunny periods.

[lynnski]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon
20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his
wife was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a
computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile ....somewhere in Houston ....a widow had just returned home
from her husband's funeral.
He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart
attack.

The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives
and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted! The
widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS ....... Sure is hot down here!!

[lynnski]

Blonde Cookbook/diary

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel
food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.
The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra
bowls.


Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe
said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress.
What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for
supper




A good day for rice. The recipe said wash
thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind
of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it
improved the rice any.




Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new
recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of
lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I
was rolling around in the garden..




I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said
put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There
must have been something wrong with this recipe.
When I got back, everything was the same as when I
left.



Tom did the shopping today and brought home a
chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I
don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some
reason Tom keeps counting to ten.




Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve
roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a
flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven
and set the controls for roast. It still came out
hamburger, much to my disappointment.




GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very
exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I
can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom
into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise
him with a chocolate moose.

[ozneil]

The Patient

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A very young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

The young nurse hears him mumble, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

The man struggles from behind the oxygen mask and asks again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and moves it around; with the other hand she gently lifts his testicles and moves them around checking their colour. After she has taken a very close look and she says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir.'

The man eventually pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much for that, it was truly wonderful, now listen very closely......

'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?'

[maggs]

Paddy Irishman (or Scots, English or Welsh) Jus tgot his second question right on who wants to be a millionaire, and is now on £200.

Here is the third question 'Who was the great train robber

RONNIE BIGGS

RONNIE PARKER
or
RONNIE BARKER

Paddy says " well Chris I've had a lovely time but I'm going to take my £200 pound. Chris says "are you ###### stupid, you have all lines your life lines left.


Paddy says " I might be stupid, but I'm not a fukin Grass"

[maggs]

'OLD' IS WHEN...

An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.