699 replies to this topic

[notanimby]

A lesson in Posting
How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

Why is this in the joke sekshun, when its just a statement of fact

[notanimby]

It's from maggs. Statements of fact. Grandchild's name. All in the 'Jokes' thread.

Whuts up wae hur granweans name?

[notanimby]

Aw don't you start, slowcoach!!

Did a miss sumhing?

[ozneil]

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

[ozneil]

A man robs a bank and takes hostages.

He asks the first hostage, "did you see me rob the bank?"


The hostage answers "yes".

The robber, promptly, shoots him in the head. Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

The hostage answers, "no, but my wife did".

[maggs]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'


Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'


'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'


'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'


'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'


'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.


'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'



'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.


he photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.


'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.


'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.


'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'


Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'


Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'


'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'


'Tripod?'



'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'







Mrs. Smith fainted

[HollowHorn]

[maggs]

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE
CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT..

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A
BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M
SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".

[ozneil]

Church Bulletins to make you smile

--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practise.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in t he park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to
attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

[maggs]

How to Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to Lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo- woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

[maggs]

Actual Writing in Hospital Charts


1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me
in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally
alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another
hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of
her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car
for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus
sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he
took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt
we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

[tam]

It's no really funny:



My courting days are over,
My parking nights are out,
What used to be my pride and joy,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes.

tam

[The Jolly Jumjoogler]

A boay goes tae his doaktur an' says, "Doc, ah'm awfy wurried aboot the wife, ah think she might be gaun deef"

"Nae borra", says the doc, "jist try this wee test". "Try sayin sumthin tae hur fae aboot 40 feet away, speakin in yer normal voice. If she disnae hear ye, try it again fae 30 feet. Keep repeatin this tae she hears ye an' ye'll huv a fair idea how good ur bad hur hearin is".

The boay goes hame that night tae find his wife in the kitchin makin the tea. Decidin tae pit hur tae the test right away, he stauns aboot 40 feet away, (it wiz a big hoose), an' says, "Darlin, whit's fur tea the night?"

Geetin nae reply, the boay advances to 30 feet away an' repeats, "Darlin, whit's fur tea the night?"

Still nae answer, so he moves in tae 20 feet an, wance mair, says, "Darlin, whit's fur tea the night?"

Getin nae answer, but gettin increasinly wurried, he moves tae 10 feet away an repeats yet again, "Darlin, whit's fur tea the night?"

Fearin the wurst, (he hud a fobia aboot German sossijes), he went up an stood right behind hur. Wan mair time he asked the same kweschin, "Darlin, whit's fur tea the night?"

His wid wife turns roon an' says, in an eggzasperaytit tone, "Fur the fifth f****n time Tam, it's chicken!!"



Ah think ah'll hit the sack while the goin's good.

[notanimby]

A boay goes tae his doaktur an' says, "Doc, ah'm awfy wurried aboot the wife, ah think she might be gaun deef"

"Nae borra", says the doc, "jist try this wee test". "Try sayin sumthin tae hur fae aboot 40 feet away, speakin in yer normal voice. If she disnae hear ye, try it again fae 30 feet. Keep repeatin this tae she hears ye an' ye'll huv a fair idea how good ur bad hur hearin is".

The boay goes hame that night tae find his wife in the kitchin makin the tea. Decidin tae pit hur tae the test right away, he stauns aboot 40 feet away, (it wiz a big hoose), an' says, "Darlin, whit's fur tea the night?"

Geetin nae reply, the boay advances to 30 feet away an' repeats, "Darlin, whit's fur tea the night?"

Still nae answer, so he moves in tae 20 feet an, wance mair, says, "Darlin, whit's fur tea the night?"

Getin nae answer, but gettin increasinly wurried, he moves tae 10 feet away an repeats yet again, "Darlin, whit's fur tea the night?"

Fearin the wurst, (he hud a fobia aboot German sossijes), he went up an stood right behind hur. Wan mair time he asked the same kweschin, "Darlin, whit's fur tea the night?"

His wid wife turns roon an' says, in an eggzasperaytit tone, "Fur the fifth f****n time Tam, it's chicken!!"



Ah think ah'll hit the sack while the goin's good.

Ah didnae realize Tam wiz deef, is he no a canadian