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Pat's Guide to Glasgow West End

Ye cannae go aff topic oan this threid...


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See thon movie, A Christmas Story....it hustae be the most annoying whiny movie ahve ever had the displeasure to see.

That bliddy Ralphie and his family ur the most greeting faced lot ever to grace the telly at Christmas.

Izzat ra wan aboot ra wee boy tthat wants a BB gun fur his xmas, if it is its hilarious

Theer's also a follow up tae it

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That's the wan. BB gun and real lead pellets.

Hawd oan tae a find the wird ahm looking for to answer yer post. Ahve got wan oan the tip of ma tongue.

Piffle. The movie is fullah boyish piffles.

Ach nonsense................................noo yer jist miffed cause Madame X ur Now Voyager isnae on ur ithur such wumminy nonsense

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Trust the Kiwis ...... great sense of humour even rhe cops

CYCLING starkers might be OK in New Zealand, but make sure the cops don't catch you without a helmet.

Two Kiwi men wearing nothing but their birthday suits have been issued with a warning for riding without protective head gear on a jaunt around a sleepy New Zealand seaside town.

Senior Constable Cathy Duder was patrolling Whangamata, a beach resort in the North Island, on a quiet Monday night when she came across the two nude men, both in their early 20s.

"They were more shocked than I was, trying to cover up their bits and pieces with their hands," Sen Const Duder said.

When asked for an explanation, the pair replied that "they wanted to experience total freedom".

"I said to them `The way you're heading, you're going to experience total confinement'. They didn't seem drunk at all. That's what worried me," she joked.

She issued them with a warning for not wearing helmets and sent them home

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all this talk about chinese crime & punishment put me in mind of a story one of my chinese mates told me.

He & his wife were at a very posh dinner in Sydney. Sitting next to him was a very hoity toity lady with a small chinese tattoo on her upper arm. Keng, my friend, was intrigued & after a few sherberts he plucked up enough courage to ask her what it meant. She said she had had it done in Hong Kong and it was symbols for love & peace. Keng put on his best inscrutable oriental face & said it was lovely. It actually translated as "arrogant white bi tch"

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all this talk about chinese crime & punishment put me in mind of a story one of my chinese mates told me.

He & his wife were at a very posh dinner in Sydney. Sitting next to him was a very hoity toity lady with a small chinese tattoo on her upper arm. Keng, my friend, was intrigued & after a few sherberts he plucked up enough courage to ask her what it meant. She said she had had it done in Hong Kong and it was symbols for love & peace. Keng put on his best inscrutable oriental face & said it was lovely. It actually translated as "arrogant white bi tch"

Always better to opt for the temporary when it comes to tats.

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25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER FOR MY EDUCATION

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .

'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY

'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.

'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.

'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.

'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE

'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

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You forgot wan usin

I'll take ma haun aff yer face/erse

You'll be smilin' on the ithur side of yer face ma boy

The value of silence: Hawd yir wheesht.

Patience: Whit's fur ye'll no go by ye!

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Am preparing for this evenin's festivities:

The sheets are in the washin machine, along we the pillow cases and a few personal bits and pieces. The sheets and pillow cases are a light shade of blue and i didnae think a bit of bleach wid bring them tae any harm.

A glance at the bed and it looks awfy empty.....an emptiness am no aboot tae expand oan: best for me tae start readyin the cheese plate.

Mibee one of the ladies wull ask me, "dae yees dance" ? It's then i need tae explain that i canne dance but dae a bit of jivin and by the time the explanation is finished i should be half way across the flair with a lovely damsel in my erms.....a wee bitty presssure applied tae the small of the ladies back wid, by this time, be in order.

Anither dance and am luikin at the watch.....i look her in the ee and pop the question, "ken, if yer a bit peckish am a dab haun at the fritters".

And the pair of us wull walk hame duetin, "Rock me Gently, Rock me Slowly".

tam

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'Twas market day in the village,

And the crowds 'round the stalls was quite dense,

But what caught my eye was a stall piled high

With musical instruments.

And up to the stall came a little old man,

His clothes was all tattered and thin,

But his face come alight when his eyeballs caught sight

Of a beautiful old violin.

He held it up to the dealer saying,

"How much is this one then?"

He replied, "That's a Stradivarius, my man,

That'll cost you four pound ten."

"I can't afford that," sighed the little old man

And a lump come into my throat,

I was feeling quite flush, and so I stuffed in his hand

A brand new ten-shilling note.

A crowd had gathered behind us

So I quickly went 'round with his hat,

When I finished I found I'd collected five pounds

So I took my ten shillings back.

Well we gave the dealer the money

And the old man so shabbily dressed,

Picked up the violin, stuck it under his chin

And he played like a man possessed.

He played concertos, cantatas and fugues,

And polkas and waltzes too,

By composers like Johann Sebastian Bach...

To mention only a few.

He played waltzes by Strauss and Die Fledermaus,

And Tales From the Vienna Wood,

Then Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto,

But he didn't play that quite so good.

"Well done!" cried the crowd when he finished

And they gently patted his head,

But the excitement was too much for the little old man

Who promptly fell down dead.

Well we gave the dealer his fiddle

And we took back our four pound ten,

Then we picked up the old man and we laid him to rest

In the cemetery down by the glen.

But sometimes at night when the moon do shine bright,

If I should happen to stray,

Up over the hill, it seems that still

I can hear the old man play.

Yes the words of that popular song rings true,

For though the old man is gone,

Yes, although the song is ended,

The melody lingers on.

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From my old friend Column 8 SMH

Specially for Westie

'The road sign for Seaview Crescent, Stanwell Park,'' reports Peter Jones, of thereabouts, ''has recently been changed to read 'Seaveiw Cr', perhaps on the basis that it should be i before e except after sea.''

Warning for coffee lovers

From our Weird Advice Desk: Anne Hopwood, of Orange, reports that she received ''a coffee-bean grinder and fancy coffee beans from my son, Sam, for Christmas. These items were bought in a Melbourne boutique coffee shop. The sales assistant asked, 'Where are you going for Christmas?' '' Sam replied that he was flying to Orange. The assistant, in a serious tone, replied, 'Well, don't use the coffee beans for 24 hours after air travel. They suffer from the altitude and air pressure.''
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