Added on Saturday 24 Dec 2011

Three days to Christmas and I?ve as much notion of shopping as fly in the air. Now, where does that come from? Daft, I?d love to fly in the air. Up, up and away from Pollok shopping centre and bloody Christmas. ?Scuse me? ?Scuse me?. Aw to hell with it, you?re forced to shove your way through. Nobody holds the door, nobody smiles. I can?t stop smiling. Know why? Because I wrote my own Christmas cards for the first time in my life. Because I passed exams. Me, Marie Carney. Fifty years of age and a granny! Left school at sixteen with bugger all. I?ll get a certificate in the post: an SVQ in Communications. Next I?ll pass my theory test and get my driving licence, then my Elderly Care qualification and a better job. I?ll be able to go out and look after old folk in their own houses, instead of working shifts in the home, listening to them howling and screeching all night.

God it?s roasting in here. I?ve ended up with a coat to carry, as well as everythin else. Every other year, I?ve aw this done by now. What have I to get? Scooters for Kyle and Carrick, a Little Betty Kitchen for wee Marcie, perfume for our Lorraine, hair straighteners for Emma, Boss aftershave for Jason and whisky for Drew. What kind was it again? Mclean? No...McCallan and God alone knows what for my mother. And all the food and drink for Christmas. I?ll be here all day, and it?ll be a taxi home? cost a fortune. Just wait till I?m driving, they?ll not see me for stoor. I used to love this place but I hate it now. Look at them all, faces tripping them. And there?s not a wean in that Santa queue that looks excited. Boy, was I excited when I dropped those cards in the post box. I?d always got Alex to do them before; I was too ashamed, because my writing wasn?t pretty and I couldn?t spell. But see that Clare, the lassie that taught the course? She said I could do anything I put my mind to. And she was right. I can even spell diarrhoea. You only have to remember; it?s got two rs and a hoe in it.

Why have the Christmas songs never changed since bloody nineteen canteen? Shaking sodding Stevens and Slade. And if another bloody elf comes anywhere near me there?ll be an arse kicking party ootside the gadget shop. This place is getting right on my nerves, ruining my good mood. I?ve had it up to here. I know what I?m going to do. myself a CD of Christmas Carols. Then I?ll get the bus home, pour myself a wee celebration drink put my CD on and order all the messages online from Tesco. I might even try Sainsbury for a wee change. I?ll get the lassies, their men and the weans gift certificates from Amazon and they can pick what they like. Why did I not think of that before? Instead of suffocating in here, sweating like a pig and listening to pish music. I could even get my mother theatre tickets. Now there?s an idea! She can take her pal Betty to see Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat. Or I?ll go with her myself, take her for a pre-theatre before and a couple of drinks after. Get one of that lot to take us there and pick us up. Me and ma mammy, living our lives in glorious Technicolor. Ha-ha, they?ll aw think I?m going aff ma heid. I don?t care. I?m not setting foot in Pollok shopping centre ever again. again. For the other certificate I got was my PC Passport.
And the world?s my oxter! So there!
Scuse me.