(I've been enjoying James' very humorous stories about Scuffer Airways and requested a Christmas addition to add to my Festive Poems and Stories on the site. Thanks very much, James).
Good morning, ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, and welcome aboard this very special Scuffer Airways flight to Lapland. In just a moment, Captain McGregor will be dragged kicking and screaming out of the airport bar before staggering drunkenly up the steps in a comical fashion to drive the plane up to the North Pole. This is only the second of our Lapland flights this week, but the first one on Monday was full of surprises, especially for those passengers in Business Class expecting to land at Gatwick. Our estimated journey time is three hours, but as frequent flyers with Scuffer Airways will know, when Captain McGregor is in the cockpit, the schedule can be a bit loose.
And speaking of loose, we're pleased to inform you that our cabin manager Tiffany's recent episode of winter vomiting is almost past the contagious stage. So, once we're airborne, you can enjoy her hand-made toasted panninis without concern (unless you're pregnant, suffering from long-term health conditions, under the age of eight, over the age of 70, or have bowel control issues). Please note that Scuffer Airways does not accept responsibility for anything that comes out of your bottom.
During our journey to Lapland today, we had been hoping to entertain you with some cultural offerings from the Arctic Circle, but unfortunately, there has been a mix-up by our cabin stewards Jason and Darren. The traditional Nordic performers they ordered from the internet have had to be returned, as they were not the Lapp dancers we’d been expecting. The North Pole dancers have also been cancelled.
But that doesn't mean we won't be keeping you entertained. As soon as we reach cruising altitude, our first officer Petra von Reynhardt will be giving one of her rivetting Powerpoint presentations on how easy it is for an aircraft’s wings to fall off at cruising altitude. She’ll also be scotching the myth that it’s impossible for a plane to reverse into a mountain. Later,Tiffany will be giving us a memorable rendition of Nobody Loves a Fairy When She's Forty, while dancing with all the finesse of a baby elephant on roller-skates. As a special treat, Darren and Jason will be inviting passengers to sample their reindeer balls.
And for our very young passengers, we’ll be showing a lovely, festive film called Silence of the Lambs, which apparently is all about little lambs that stay nice and quiet, even when they’re being eaten with a side serving of mint sauce.
This festive flight is the perfect time to mention our annual Scuffer Airways Christmas Appeal. This year, our chairman, Lord Scuffer of Stansted, has chosen a charity close to his heart: the Lord Scuffer Benevolent Fund. By donating just £20,000, you can pay one quarter's heating bill for Scuffer Towers, His Lordship's manor in the Cotswolds. And for just £5 million you could pay off a year's alimony to Lady Scuffer. As some of you may have read in this week’s gutter press, Lady Scuffer has launched divorce proceedings against Lord Scuffer, citing his unreasonable behaviour with three Lapp dancers. Having moved out of the family home, she is now having to slum it in her Belgravia penthouse. We feel certain you’ll be compelled to give generously, once Tiffany appears with a collection tin and a baseball bat.
Of course, at this time of year, we always remember those we have lost. Here at Scuffer Airways we've lost lots of passengers, mostly to other airlines, but also some in tragic accidents that were in no way the fault of Scuffer Airways. And it’s because we are a caring and compassionate airline that we’re blatantly using this season of good will to launch a new service.
Scuffer Funerals will offer passengers the chance to sign up for a very special final journey. For a token fee of, let’s say, £20,000, you can have your ashes flushed down the lavatory at the back of a Scuffer Airways plane. As your earthly remains are spewed into the stratosphere, Darren and Jason will perform a tastefully remastered version of I’m Leaving on a Jet Plane (Darren on flugelhorn, Jason on Hawaiian guitar).
Alternatively, you may opt for our Premier Post Mortem package. For a token fee of, oh, let’s call it £5 million, your body will be dumped in a tastefully designed biodegradable cardboard box, and then catapulted tastefully out of the hold with the aid of one of Jason’s old mankinis. In launching this very special service, we hope to ensure that your last journey with us is as uncomfortable, undignified and terrifying as possible – in short, just like any other Scuffer Airways flight.
We'll shortly be taking you through the safety demonstration for this flight to the North Pole. We’d like you to note in particular that in the highly likely eventuality of crashing into an iceberg, passengers should take care to abandon their personal belongings, Pot Noodles, children and I-Pads before making a panic-stricken dash for the nearest exit (air accident professionals will know this procedure better as the “Titanic evacuation”).
So now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we invite you to sit back, relax and shut up as we fly you to the top of the world to see Father Christmas, (or, as we know him here, Captain McGregor in a Santa suit, ho, ho, ho). Thank you once again for flying with Scuffer Airways, and remember our Christmas slogan: Yule always suffer when you fly with Scuffer!
James Carson, December, 2016