Successful Steps Personal Development Tips

Photo: logo. The Art of Saying No! - August, 2007.

September's tips

Mind Your Language!

Thought that might grab your attention, but I'm not taking about abusing the vernacular here. You are aware, aren't you of that little voice that runs through your head triggering self doubt and a lack of self confidence. It usually sounds like this: "you can't do that!"; "are you daft?"; "they'll laugh at you!" and " you're going to fail!".
These statements can snowball until you've talked yourself out of your grand plan, your dream and ambition.

The trick is to become aware of this negative self-chat and put the break on it. How? Once you start to feel that snowball building momentum use a brake phrase to bring you back into the present and see things in perspective. For example, whoah! or perhaps freeze! or snowball! (a personal favourite and one many of my clients have adopted).

At first you might have to say your brake phrase out loud. I know! I know! if you are surrounded by folk you might look like a bit of a nut so obviously you use it out loud at your discretion, but when you are alone it can be more effective. Anyway who cares what they think.

Then what about the word 'they' in this negative self-chat? You have to clearly define who 'they' are. Let me share with you something I was told by a teaching colleague when I was a young teacher. There are 'A' people and there are 'B' people in your life. The 'A' people are those people who genuinely have your best interests at heart and whose opinions you really value. Then there are the 'B' people who you should give the 'Rhett Butler' treatment. That is: "quite frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!" and that's because their opinions of you don't really matter.

So in minding your internal negative chat here is the drill:

* Become aware of it, stop it by using your break phrase and replace it with something positive - "I can do this!"

* Question those 'they' statements

And finally a question for reflection

Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
Nelson Mandela

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The Art of Saying "No"

Do you ever find it difficult to say "no"?

Do you find you start off saying 'no' then discover further down the conversation you've actually agreed to something you didn't want to do?

Don't worry we've all been there!

But, I've got to ask 'what do you think that's about?'

Is it fear of rejection or offending people? Perhaps, you don't want to seem selfish or unco-operative. What I do know is that when you give in, it can leave you with feelings of frustration, resentment and resignation - which ultimately leave you feeling like a doormat. Right?

It might surprise you to know, that there is an art to saying "no". You can say it effectively, without offending others or seeming unco-operative and without experiencing all those negative feelings.

Now, it's not going to be easy, it will take practice - but you know what they say about practice.

Photo: logo.

Practise saying 'No'

1. Start by standing in front of a mirror and let your mouth form the word 'no' Watch the movement of your mouth and say 'no' out loud using a relaxed, direct and well moderated tone of voice.

2. Next time you are faced with a request, buy yourself some time by saying:

Can I think about it and get back to you?
Maybe - I'll let you know.
I'll need to check my diary (or with my partner) and get back you.

When it comes to actually saying "no"

It is important to be clear in your own mind about the times when you can justifiably say "no" to requests, for example you can hardly say no to something that is part of your job remit just because you don't like doing it.

Be honest, calm, direct, polite and succinct. It will help you keep control of your feelings and people will respect you for it.

Watch the tone of your voice - keep it even

Watch your body language - keep it as still as possible

If someone expresses disappointment to your "no" show you appreciate their feelings without giving in to their request:
"I understand that you're disappointed but the answer is still no"
Or
"I'm sorry you're disappointed but my answer is still no"
Don't over apologise - one sorry is enough

If you get the Mrs Doyle treatment; 'go on, go on, go on!'
Use what's called the broken record technique; just keep repeating
"No, No thank you, No"

Make it clear whether this is a "no" for ever or just for now
You can always offer an alternative - if you wish

Deliver your "no" in person where possible, to get the person used to the idea you will be saying "no" sometimes. E-mailing, texting or leaving a message on their voicemail is cheating yourself and them and will only lead to negative feelings.

Remember practice makes perfect and will build your confidence. Take one step at a time, you may encounter difficulties but keep at it!

And finally, here is a question for reflection.

If you never say "no" what's your "yes" worth?

If you think about this for a minute, by saying 'no', what you are doing is creating the space for your 'yes' to really mean something.

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